Never Listen

> >>A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
> >>She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The
> >>Frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
> >>three
> >>wishes."
> >>
> >>The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
> >>To mention that there was a condition to your wishes.. Whatever you
> wish
> >>for, your husband will get ten times more or better!"
> >>
> >>The woman said, "That's okay."
> >>
> >>For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the
> >>world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also
> >>make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis who
> >>women will flock to."
> >>The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful
> >>woman."
> >>So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
> >>
> >>For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
> >>The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
> >>World and he will be ten times richer than you."
> >>The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's
> his
> >>is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
> >>
> >>The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd
> >>Like a mild heart attack."
> >>
> >>Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
> >>
> >>Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
> >>Here and continue feeling good.
> >>
> >>Male readers: Please scroll down.
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> >>The man had a heart attack ten times milder than her from the story:
> >>Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to
> >>think that way and just enjoy the show.
> >>
> >>Female Readers who are still reading: This again proves that women
> >>Never listen to anything.

Godliness

Four Catholic ladies
are having coffee together,
discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to > put
you down, but my son is a cardinal.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'.

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women giver her a subtle "Well...?"
look.

She replies, "My son is a handsome, gorgeous, 6' 2"
hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper.
Whenever ?he walks into a room, women just say, "Oh my
God...."

Things you've been wondering about

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.(hmmm...i wonder if headboard counts)

The male pray mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig. can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing?......)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to send this to
someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone.

Science Class

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment
with the worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first  worm was put into a jar of  alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

The fourth  worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results The first worm in alcohol -
dead.

Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.

Third worm in sperm - dead.

Fourth worm in soil - alive.

So the  Science teacher asked the class -  "What can you learn
from this experiment." Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said "As
long as you  drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have  worms."

PIck a Room

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil greets him
"You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."

The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.

"I choose this room!" the man says.

"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.

"You can go now. I've found you're replacement."

How did I come into this world

A Kid asks:"Daddy? How did I come into this world?"

The Daddy Answered:"Well, my child,
some day I'll have to tell you any way,"
The Kid asked again: "So why not today?"
The Dad Respond: "Please, listen carefully:
Mom and Dad met each other in a cyber café. In the
restrooms of that cyber café, dad connected to mom.
Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory
stick. When dad finished uploading we discovered we
used no firewall. Since it was too late to cancel or
delete, nine months later we ended up with a virus."